When You're Gone
by LFalynia
Summary: **WAYWARD SON SPOILERS** A rewrite of the moment when Baz thinks Simon has been shot dead, and the fight that comes after.


Work Text:

**BAZ**

When the gunfire starts, Lamb is still holding on to me. "Steady," he says.

I'm anything but. I drag him up the sand dune, the rest of the vampires forming a V behind us. I've got my hand inside my jacket, ready to cast a spell the moment it's worth spoiling my cover.

The guns quiet, then rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat, then settle again. _No._

Lamb stops me at the crest, squeezing my arm. "Steady, lad. I need you to trust me to get you through this."

I'm mad to get over this hill. I don't say anything and haul him forward. They could be hurt. Anyone of them could be injured and needing backup. He won't let go of me. He follows me over the edge.

We look down and see a dozen or so vampires with machine guns. They've got a gun to Shepard's head―and Simon is lying on the ground.

_No._

Lamb is holding on to me so tightly, I think my arm might snap. I can't bring myself to care. He's whispering in my ear. "It was the only way, Baz. There's a treaty."

"No…" My eyes are still locked on the figure lying motionless across the ground.

"Any mage who comes to Las Vegas gets turned over to them, no exceptions…" He's saying something but the sound is muddled and doesn't reach my ears. _Simon._

I take one step forward. Lamb tries to tug my back but I'm fucking immovable. I have to get to him. I have to fix it. I can fix it. I…

"This is going to be better for you in the end!" He pulls on my arm. The world is fading in and out, and grey threatens to overcome everything. It refocuses enough to for me to see limp curls and golden skin.

Simon.

**SIMON**

It's all fading to black.

Around me, I can hear sounds of fighting still going on. I want to get up and help them but I can't._ Penny and Agatha_. But it's just an urge that I can't act on, and even that's fading with the rest of it.

I reckon this was how I was supposed to go. I was always going to die fighting. I've known it since sixth year. I just always thought I would go out defeating the Humdrum and saving the World of Mages. Now the Humdrum's dead, and I don't belong in that world anymore.

I came to America to discover myself. Well, because Penny told me to, but because I believed for one second in the magical healing properties of that endless, blue American sky. I don't know if it worked.

I always thought I wouldn't be prepared to die, but I feel fine. The pain in my wings has gone away. That's probably a bad sign.

I'm sinking deeper now. The fighting has faded out. I wish I could've saved Agatha and Penny before I went, but I know Baz will get them to safety.

_Baz._

I love you.

**BAZ**

It's a dead spot. We should have―I should have―

Simon's lying on the ground. His wing is bent the wrong way.

Lamb: "Yes, all right, I've betrayed you. Just keep your cool, baz, and you'll live to hate me for it."

I'll live…

What a joke. I haven't lived in fifteen years. The only times I ever felt alive was with Simon.

Simon.

We heard gunshots. On the other side of the hill. And then we didn't.

Simon's on the ground, his wing is bent the wrong way. Someone should fix it for him. Someone should cast a spell. Someone…

"Simon?" My lips mouth his name uselessly.

_Simon Snow. The way you were. There wasn't a day when I believed we'd both live through it._

_(Through what, through what, through what?)_

It was never supposed to be you though.

Lamb: "The treaty holds!"

Simon:

Simon is on the ground. There were gunshots, and then there weren't. His wing is bent the wrong way. His curls are limp. Golden skin doesn't sparkle as it rises and falls.

I told him it would be all right.

It was supposed to be all right…

I didn't tell him, I never told him. Not in a way that he understood. Not in a way that he could hold onto and bring out when he was cold. Everything he was to me. That he was everything. Everything.

Why didn't I tell him?

_Simon, Simon…_

_You were the sun, and I was crashing into you._

_I'd wake up every morning and tell myself…_

_I'd tell myself…_

"You live in fear! In denial!"

Simon is on the ground. His wing is bent the wrong way. His curls are limp, and his chest unmoving. He doesn't know how much I love him. He never really did.

_I'd wake up every morning and tell myself …_

"Simon." I try again. It comes out this time, broken and cracked.

"Simon." I take a step forward. And then another.

"Simon… love… get up. Please, Simon. We still need to save Agatha. We still need to…"

We still need to. We still need to do everything. You were everything. And now there's nothing.

_Get up._

Simon is on the ground.

_I love you._

**SIMON**

The world has started to come back. And with it the worst pain I've ever felt.

I'm going to get up. As soon as my head clears. If my head clears.

I think I've got holes in my wings…

I'm going to get up. I'm going to. I'm just waiting for the right moment.

I'm getting up. So I can go down with a fight.

They took Agatha. They took Penelope.

I can't―

I don't think I can―

The vampires are fighting, I think. Maybe they'll kill each other. That would make my job easier.

I'm fading out again. I can feel my heart beating slower and slower. The black is bleeding across my vision again.

My job is getting up.

My job is going down.

With a fight.

For Agatha. For Penelope.

For…

I can't do it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for failing everyone. I'm sorry that I'm going to die out bleeding out on the ground in the middle of this bloody desert. I'm sorry that I dragged down everyone around me for a year, and that I'm still doing it.

I'm sorry…

I can't do it.

"Simon…"

Baz.

I've never heard him that sad, that haunted. Not even in the woods all those years ago. He sounds like his whole world just ended.

"Simon… love… get up."

My heart stopped. And then it started beating again.

"Please, Simon. We still need to save Agatha. We still need to…"

_Baz._

_For you, everything._

**SHEPARD**

The vampire who bit me is definitely dead. And everyone here would probably be more horked over it if they didn't see what happened next.

Baz is standing over Simon's body. The look on his face is one of disbelief and utter grief. Lamb was still tugging on him, but he didn't seem to even notice. He howls, then, a lament of such misery that I don't think I'll ever forget it.

He bends down and brushes the curls out of Simon's face. It leaves a streak of blood across Simon's cheek. All around him, vampires are still battling and guns were going off. But he was in his own pocket of desolation, and nothing, _nothing_, dared intrude. Slowly, he lowers his lips and placed a trembling kiss on Simon's forehead. Then he bows his head and leans against him. He doesn't say a word.

I stagger towards one of the Mercedes G-Wagons. Penelope. I need to find her.

"Baz, stop clinging to the boy and let's go!" Oh no.

I turn around in time to see Baz raise his head. He gently lowers Simon to the ground, and as he does, his face clears. There isn't any more pain and sorrow. There's nothing. All that's in his eyes is infinite emptiness. Chills run over me.

This wasn't the Baz that I had traveled with these past few days. It isn't his mask of cold indifference or glorious boredom. It isn't his laughter or his trademark sneer. It certainly isn't the face that softened when he stared at Simon, like everything in the world was laid at his feet, and he wasn't sure how he got to be there or why.

No, this is a Baz that was devoid of everything. Empty. And it terrifies me.

He stares through Lamb for a second before seeming to focus. Then something flickers behind his eyes. I should be relieved but I'm not. Because it's _fury_. He takes a step forward, but another gunshot fires and his head snaps to it. He sees Braden, and his eyes narrow.

Lamb, the idiot, tries to pull him back. He has no idea what he's dealing with.

Baz turns around and _throws_ him.

Lamb hits the ground 30 feet away.

Jesus Christ. Is this what Baz looks like when he isn't holding himself back?

Baz runs across the clearing, and then faster than I could see, has Braden held in the air in his fist. He stares at him for a second.

And then he rips his fucking head open.

**BAZ**

Go ahead and shoot me. This isn't my favorite shirt.

That's what the old Baz would have said. The Baz from before. Before he was gone. I'm what's left. So instead, I tear into everything that comes into view.

At first, I didn't feel anything. What was the point? Si―**_ he_ **was gone. And then I remembered. He wasn't gone. He was_ taken._

These vampires have decades, even centuries of experience on me. I should be cowering on the ground. Instead, _they're_ cowering from me. I was weak before. I was afraid to use my curse to my advantage. I was reminded of my humanity, my soul, by **_him_.** Always **_him_. **But he's gone. And they took him from me. They don't stand a bloody chance.

Braden's very strong. But I'm also very strong. And very determined. And very, very angry. That's all that's left, a burning desire to tear him to pieces, even if he can grow them back.

Let's all tear each other into pieces. I'll fight for the rest of my existence until no one's left standing. And then I'll burn what's left, and the world with it.

I always said we would end in flames.

And now it will.

**SIMON**

I've managed to work myself into a sort of propped―up sitting position. I was going to then try to stand but I got distracted.

Because my boyfriend has unleashed himself onto the vampires, and I don't think I've ever seen anything quite as terrifyingly beautiful.

His black hair is waving all around him, and his clothes are tattered. His fangs are out full―force, and it looks wickedly _vicious._

The other vampires aren't even getting near him.

He's slashing through all of them, all wild snarls and swings and chaos that destroys everything in his path. I don't think he's even aware of who he's currently tearing through. The only thing I can sense is the radiating sense of _anger._

He's overflowing with it. It's pouring out of him and cutting down blazing swathes of vampires. I'm almost tempted to sit back and watch.

And that's when one of the expensive Land Rovers starts on fire.

**BAZ**

There's only anger. Anger and rage and wrath erupting in an explosion around me. I thrash and kick and throw and _decimate._ There are faceless bodies dropping all around me, but I'm already onto the next one by the time it lands.

All I can see is fiery anger.

_There once was light where that only anger remains. **You** brought that light._

No, _**you're **_gone.

_**You** were the sun, and I was crashing into you**.**_

Now there's nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

**SIMON**

My heart leaps into my throat when that Jeep explodes.

_Penelope was in that car._

I start to run.

_And Agatha._

From behind me, I can still hear Baz's snarls and the smack of bodies colliding.

I'm just warming up to avenging their deaths when Penelope and Agatha themselves walk out of the flames, holding hands, both of their mouths bleeding―looking like their own bloody ghosts.

I start to smile when I remember the fire. And Baz.

He thinks I'm dead. I swallow the lump in my throat.

He's in such a rage that he probably doesn't even notice the danger of the flames spreading closer to him, threatening to destroy him.

And then he throws out his hand and summons some of that fire to him. Tongues of flame wind across the air and encircle vampires they encounter. They're terrified. I can see it in their eyes. They're in full-out retreat now, just desperate to get away.

But Baz is still going. And he's stopped controlling the flames. He gets knocked back particularly close to a flame but doesn't even react to it, just continues fighting. He's going to _burn._

And Baz dead…

_No._

"Baz!"

**BAZ**

I'm ripping my way through the hoard when I feel the inferno erupt behind me.

I don't even pause, I just reach out for it. It's as natural and familiar as anything that's left to me. I direct it towards the vampires that I can't reach.

And then I let my control of it go.

The fires and burning bodies are everywhere, dangerously underfoot.

I don't care.

"Baz!"

No.

It's not real.

I've lost it.

_**He's **_gone.

I shake my head and leap forward again.

**SIMON**

I call his name.

I know he hears me. He reacted to it. For a second, the anger drains from his face.

What's left is pure pain. Agony. A grief I can't fathom. My chest_ hurts_ when I think of what we've done in the past year. Stupid. We wasted so much time. And then it hurts again because if he doesn't stop I _am_ going to fathom it.

Because the all-encompassing wrath comes back, and he leaps forward again.

No, no, no, no.

I can't lose Baz.

He's everything.

The last of the vampires are falling either to the fire or Baz's continued onslaught.

I take a deep breath, and run through the flames, and park myself right in front of him.

"Baz," I say softly.

"It's me."

**BAZ**

I've just finished tearing one of them in half when someone leaps in front of me.

I'm about to rip their head off when―

"Baz".

I stumble, and my anger recedes a little. That voice…

"It's me."

No, it can't be. **He's **gone. It's not him**.**

The red haze that's surrounded me in my bloodlust fades away.

Blue eyes and golden skin and curls.

_Simon_.

**SIMON**

"Simon?" His voice comes out warbling and soft. Terrified. Disbelieving.

Longing.

"Baz, it's me," I say again. I reach out to touch his face.

He flinches away, whether from the shock of seeing me or from the contact we haven't had in so long. Too long.

I'm sorry Baz.

"Baz, I'm here. I'm safe." It's not entirely true. My initial surge of adrenaline is fading away, and I'm barely able to stand. One of my wings is drooping and bent the wrong way. I'm pretty sure I'm covered in blood and that my clothes are atrocious.

He reaches out and touches me.

"Simon?" he asks again, this time with hesitant hope in his eyes. It's painful. I never want to put that look in his eyes again. I won't.

_I promise Baz. You'll never lose me again._

He takes a deep shuddering breath.

"I… I thought I lost you. I―"

And that's when the fire catches up to us.

**BAZ**

I'm reaching out to touch him, because he can't be real, and this can't be happening, because Simon Snow was dead, and he wasn't coming back, and I was left with nothing, and―

And his eyes widen in alarm, right before he scoops me up bridal-style and launches us into the air.

And that's when I know he's really here. Because only Snow would be stupid enough and heroic enough and caring enough to carry someone through the air on a broken and shot-through wing.

"Simon, you need to land!" I beat on his chest. We drop a sickening foot before he catches us, his poor wings beating laboriously. "Leave me."

"Never!" he growls and only tucks me closer.

Miraculously, we clear the spreading fire and collapse on a sand dune a short ways away. I can see Bunce (thank god), Agatha, and Shepard making their way over to us, but they have to go around the fire and the destruction. Oh god, I did that.

I don't regret it for one moment. They were monsters, and I destroyed them. Like my mother would have done. Besides they had _shot_ Simon. I was hardly about to let that go.

Simon himself was collapsed in a painful heap next to me, but he wouldn't let go of me. He had a fist fisted in my bloody shirt and was holding me close to him.

I hold him back harder.

"I thought I lost you," I say again. I let myself stare at him all over as I haven't done with him watching me in months. He was _gone_. He was gone, and I wasn't getting him back. And he's here now, and I'm never letting go again.

He opens his mouth to say something, stops with his mouth still wide-open (mouth-breather), and then kisses me.

I kiss him back just as hard. He tastes like smoke and ash and heat, but I don't care. He's always been all those things. He's always been everything. And I almost lost the chance to ever tell him.

"Simon. I lo―" He cuts me off.

"I love you Baz." I stare at him in shock. I always thought I would be the one to say it.

"Crowley Simon, I love you too. I love you more than anything."

**SIMON**

And then I'm kissing him again like the world is ending because it just did, and he's kissing me back, and it's like all the lights suddenly turning on again after being plunged into darkness.

**BAZ**

I love you.

**SIMON**

I love you.

**PENELOPE**

For god's sake. We've caught up to Simon and Baz and they're too busy snogging to notice that they're both peppered with bullets and likely bleeding out and there's a fire fifteen feet away and Shepard's starting to sway, and they're choosing this moment to _finally_, finally fucking communicate. Honestly.

**The End**

* * *

Please review, this is my first fanfic, and it means a lot!

So this is just going to be my thoughts on the book. It's split into negative (the majority) and positive. Please tell me your thoughts on it too, because I would love for someone to help me see a detail I overlooked or something so that I can change my mind.

Okay, so I love Carry On with a passion. Snowbaz is my favorite couple ever. And I feel like Wayward Son was such a disappointment. I totally understand where Rainbow was going with Simon's depression and I agree that it can't be magically cured (although let's be honest, I wouldn't mind that if it meant we got a book of fluffy Snowbaz scenes), but there's NO emotional conclusion at the end of the book. The same goes for Baz and Penny's breakdowns. Also, everyone felt out of character. Sure, Simon's excused because he's really messed up due to all the events, but Penny's really wasted, and that whole Micah thing, while sucky, shouldn't have thrown her off that much. And there's no reason for her to make Baz as soft as she did. Unrequited love? Definitely. Love it. But crying over his fangs popping in front of Lamb? It's going a little far in my opinion. I like the mentor relationship and the possible romantic chemistry he develops with Lamb, but I think that his character doesn't make too much sense around him. And the plot's a little weak.

But on a positive note, I really enjoyed Agatha a lot more in this book. Also Shepard's wonderful. Kinda liked Lamb, although I wouldn't want too much of him. I really liked the way that American spells worked and the differences they run into from British culture. The creatures are very diverse and fascinating, especially the dragon. And the in-depth descriptions of every one of Baz's outfits was not something I knew I needed, but there it is.

Please tell me your thoughts and review!

ALL CHARACTERS AND THE STORY AND ALL THAT BELONG TO RAINBOW ROWELL  
(Otherwise, there would be some serious edits implemented in WS


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